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WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW One of the things I like doing best is taking something pretty normal and then using it in a way that nobody's ever thought of before. Like, for example, using a floor polisher for a back massager or a trolling motor as a cuisinart or a british car as a reliable means of transportation. I think the big difference is I don't see things the way other people do. See, like, normal people look at this, and what do they see? They see a sprinkler on the end of a garden hose. I'm not normal... Thank goodness. I don't see a sprinkler on garden hose. I see an instant campfire. [ cheers and applause ] thanks very much. Appreciate it. Big, big news up at the lodge this week. The government has put a new building across the lake on top of duff's bluffs, named after figgy duff, a guy who used to get in to arguments with his dad all the time and then threaten to get a job. Which is why they call it duff's bluffs. The problem is this building is directly between us and the tv satellite, so now we don't get any stations. Well, the guys are trying to raise the satellite dish up by putting the tower on top of the lodge, stick her up about 30 feet or so. But it's not easy. It almost makes you wish we'd watched some of those how-to shows. Uncle red, what are you doing? [ cheers and applause ] I'm doing a television show. You know what I mean. That lumber was specifically earmarked for a new dock, a new dock that we were supposed to build by order of the government. I didn't see it as an order. I took it more as a bureaucratic suggestion. It was an order, and I take orders very seriously. Yes, but you're not married. The government said our old rotten dock was ruining the environment. Well, their new building blocking our tv signals is ruining my environment. We're fighting fire with higher. We can live without television. I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. Hundreds of years ago, people sat around at night and had long conversations. Right, and the life expectancy was 37. That's not a coincidence. Listen we'll have plenty of wood left over after we build the darned tower to build the dock. We're only going up about 30 feet or so. Are you sure you guys know what you're doing? What do you think, harold? [ loud cracking sound ] [ applause ] it's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] today's prize is this coupon for a round trip ticket to port asbestos! "... On a big orange school bus. "be prepared for frequent stops." all right, hap, you gotta cover your ears. Red, you have 30 seconds to get hap shaughnessy to say this word... Yeah, all right, winston. And... Go! Okay, hap, hap! What do you call it when people stretch things? Yoga. Okay, no not their muscles. When they stretch the truth a little. Oh, unicorn salesman. No. Okay. Um, when people make things bigger than they really are, what do you call that? Breast implants. Okay, hap, supposing I told you I was abducted by aliens and taken to saturn and had dinner with elvis, what would I be doing? Reading my autobiography. Okay. Okay. Okay, hap, like, when you tell a story, you always do this, and I never do it. Make it interesting. Almost out of time, red. Okay, see, hap, you do this. It's not exactly lying, but it's not tellin' the truth either. What's that called? Politics. Yes, and you'd be a great politician because you... ... Are a kennedy. Hap, you have to be the biggest bafflegabber the world has ever seen. Oh, no, not the biggest. I think you exaggerate a little there, red. There we go! [ snoring ] red: Dalton, you're snoring again. Dalton: I am not asleep, red. Red: Well, you're snoring. I told you I can't help it. [ snores ] it's a medical condition. Can't you wear nose plugs? Can't you wear ear plugs? Can't we all just get along? Stop being so immature. Red: I'm not the immature one. Are so. Am not. Are so. Am not. Stop it! That's enough "are so's" for one day. Dalton: What'd he say? Red: I dunno, but I agree with him. Let's talk about something else. I had this weird dream last night, where I was running down the street naked with a mob of people chasing me. Have either of you ever experienced that? My wife doesn't let me watch that channel. It's not tv, it's a dream. Don't you ever have dreams? I used to. When I was single I dreamt I was superman. But then I married kryptonite. Dreams can tell a lot about you. There are people that make their living interpreting dreams. Red: Yeah, they're called bartenders, mike. Mr. Green, I don't think you should poo-poo dreams. I'm not poo-pooing anything. I wasn't poo-pooing, was I? I hope not. Mr. Green, you have a tendency to be very negative towards people whose opinions you disagree with. Red: Oh, put a sock in it, mike. Dreams are a recognized indicator of the subconscious mind. Red: Oh yeah? Yeah. Dreams can tell you a lot about people's brain activity. Red: Really? Well, I don't even have dreams. See? That proves it. These days you hear a lot of hot air about saving gas. There's only a couple of ways to really save gas. One, buy a smaller vehicle... Yeah right. The other is to make your vehicle more aerodynamic. Now, I don't know much about that stuff, but I'd rather learn something than drive around in a dinky toy. So I looked up 'aerodynamic' in the encyclopedia. That took a while until I realized it started with an 'a'. Now, they got a bunch of diagrams and charts, but the basic message, it's all about wind resistance. Driving the possum van is like pushing a cow through a mud bath. But what if, instead of having to go around the van, the air could just shoot right through it? Like the difference between these two racquets. See, this one has a lot of air resistance, so I can only go like that. But the tennis racquet lets the air go right through, so I can go like this. Okay, it's the same, but this is easier. Okay, let's move on. All we need is something that takes the air that's hitting the van and lets it pass right through the van. In one end and out the other. I'm not sure where that expression started, but I'm guessing it was during flu season. See, so if we can get enough of these hoses, we can scoop the air that's gonna smack into the front of the van, and re-route it out the back through the van. Just gotta find some openings so I can put the hoses straight through. Okay, I figure I've reduced the wind resistance by about 30% and improved the appearance of the vehicle by... Somewhat less than that. So now the air flows smoothly through the hoses, instead of being stacked up like dolly parton in a halter top. It comes out here and smacks into the guy tailgating you. [ chuckles ] okay, it means I have to leave the back doors open all the time, but I don't mind. It's cheaper than deodorizers. Kinda looks like a rocket launcher, doesn't it? Hmmm. Oh baby, this project is a win-win. We're saving gasoline by reducing the wind resistance, and we're saving gasoline by adding this propane auxiliary drive system. Finally a hybrid car I like. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go save the environment. Have you seen all the nostalgia that's popping up on tv and the radio these days? Nostalgia is fine, but this is nostalgia from the '80s. I haven't had a chance to miss the '80s yet, and even if I had, I wouldn't. The clothes were neon, the cars were gutless and the music was either made in a computer or by something called "wham". But, see, that's the way nostalgia works. As things go sour in the present, we all start imagining they were better in the past. It's why we remember the bee gees so fondly and the captain and tenille at all. It's all about what you're comparing stuff to. So I go out of my way to introduce my wife to guys my own age who've let themselves go mentally, physically and socially. I know that some day soon that nostalgia factor is gonna kick in, and she's gonna start seeing me as better than I've ever been. And let me tell ya, there'll be a hootenanny that night! Remember, I'm pulling for ya. We're all in this together. Call rothschild's, because what goes down... Shouldn't come up. Well, we had a rethink on the tv tower and decided to build it from the lodge floor up. That way it would be as solid as the lodge. Take it easy there, mike. Mike: (mumbling) pardon me? Mike: (mumbling) take the nails out of your mouth. Mike: I had nails in my mouth. Uncle red, I don't think you're going to have enough lumber left over to build the new dock that the government wants. Yeah, but we got the old dock out. That was the main issue. Harold, our boats sink. They don't need to be tied up to anything. I don't think you guys have any idea what you're doing at all, or the damage it's gonna do to the world as we know it. If only someone had said that to your parents. I'm assuming you have some plans to build this tower with. No, we don't need plans. We know a tower is wide at the bottom and comes to a point at the top so we're designing it after moose thompson. It doesn't look all that straight to me. This could end up being the leaning tower of pbs. Look at this! It's not even secured to the base. The weight will hold it here, harold. We used the water-logged dock boards for the first platform. That was like 1200 pounds not counting the zebra mussels. With that much weight, gravity will hold it in place. Gravity is our friend, harold. Red: Nothing can be more relaxing than being out fishing with a bunch of buddies. Actually, maybe it's too relaxing. Luckily we left the motor going. So we come in and take our catch out of the boat. I had a pretty good stringer of fish there. Not too bad at all. A little sushi attack at the end of the day, but I was fine. Walter had a fair number. But they weren't huge. It's okay, we have crackers. And bill -- I'm not sure what bill got. He seemed happy about it. It's an umbrella or a tv aerial, I dunno. So we're getting set to have our little cookout, but harold wants to take a picture, you know, the way the guys hold up the fish. It's not that hard, but with harold, sometimes, it's just easier to go along, get along... I wish he would go along. Watch out, there's a flash on that, harold. Be careful. No, no, harold... Great. Why don't you point the camera at what you're trying to take a picture of? That's always a good -- harold? Ah, stupid... In for a long day. Oh, no, it's good. Then walter decides since it's a photo op he's gonna -- maybe hold it a little closer to the camera it'll look a little larger. That was an odd lookin' thing, and it didn't smell all that great. Take her over to the other side. There we go. Okay, so harold's gettin' set now. I guess he didn't tighten her up enough. Now, he's -- and we're trying to stay with it. Then the one leg starts to go, and we gotta kinda lean over. Eventually gravity took over. So this is just not -- harold, watch out for the -- so this is not working out at all. We need a different approach, so walter decides he's gonna take over as photographer. And harold -- away you go. Away you go. No, just go. You're gonna get one. Here it comes. Away you go. All right so harold comes over. Now we have to get ourselves -- who's gonna be in the middle? Harold's taller, so maybe he should be in the middle. I didn't care, but bill wanted to be in the middle. Okay, later that day... We're finally set to go and walter got -- I thought it was all right. But he said our eyes were closed. Yeah, I know. Okay. Okay. The fish eyes we can't do anything about walter, so... Now we're starting to take pictures, and we got a couple of good poses. Sometimes when you're taking a picture you're focussed on -- you don't see what's happening in the background. And, uh... Apparently, uh... We were having a visitor of some -- now, bill spotted him. And he was trying to react. And then harold saw him, and, uh... Of course, then they're gone. Now I'm alone, and, uh, suddenly my fish are gone. And that was really the first time I noticed something was up. So I say, hey, hey, hey, my fish are gone. And they're goin, "hey, it wasn't me." and then we all spotted the bear. And then the bear spots us, and then we go home. [ applause ] nothing can pack it in like a garbage truck. Except maybe moose thompson at a buffet. The secret is compression. And what works for that garbage truck can also work for you. It's not about squeezing the crap out of something. It's about squeezing the crap into something. If you're like me, you like to keep things in your car, things that probably should have gone in that truck that just left. But you don't want to throw something out that you might need next week. Well, here's how you can keep everything. First, consolidate. Okay, now all you need is an extra rim attached to your drive wheel and a piece of chain. Make sure you leave the key in the trunk, just like taxis do. And just hook the, uh -- oh, darn. Okay, just hook the chain onto something. There we go. Then run her across. Then you just hook the other end onto maybe another rust hole or a door knob. Oh, here we go. That looks safer. And this is how you turn a mid-size into a compact. We're getting there. She just needs a little more power. [ applause ] [ wind blowing, wood creaking ] okay, we got the tower finished, got the dish mounted on top, and we're back in business. And we got it all done before the playoffs. Uncle red, this tower is over 100 feet tall! Who authorized that? Luck. A lumber truck dropped its load at dead man's curve. We took it as a windfall. Oh! You almost had another windfall going. Every time the tower sways we go through a bunch of channels on the tv. But I figure it's gonna save on batteries for the remote. I also noticed there's no lightning rod on top of this thing. Do you think that wise? He asked pointlessly. Harold, the tower's made of wood. Lightning doesn't hit wood. Really? Yeah. Okay, well... Well, let's just remember that tree that was out by the parking lot, remember that? And last year it exploded in the electrical storm? Remember that? If I'm not mistaken, it, too, was made of wood! Harold, that was ironwood. Oh! Oh! Harold, gimme a hand. Ah! Ah! Spider! Spider! Never mind, spiderman, just grab the darned tower! [ wood cracking ] was that my back? No I think the tower's breaking apart. Maybe we shouldn't have used the old dock boards. I told you that! Come on over to this side and help me, harold. Sure. Do you think that's gonna work? No, but you'll get a better view of it falling. [ wood cracking ] [ loud bang ] [ applause ] well, that was totally stupid and unnecessary. Now, don't blame yourself, harold. A lot of good is gonna come out of this. Really? Like what? Well, of course, you were all wrapped up in yourself and didn't notice that as the tower was falling, we got about 40 channels we don't even pay for. [ possum squealing ] meeting time. You go ahead. I some time to put a positive spin on all this. So you're gonna be a while. Um... Okay, if my wife is watching, uh, the tower fell over, our dish is in the lake and our tv set blew up, but I'm hoping I'll get a lot better reception when I get home. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching and on behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on your ice. [ cheers and applause ] sit down, everybody. Take a seat. Sit down. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. Bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to... I guess. Okay, great news, men. As a result of our tv tower falling into the lake, we now have a brand new dock with a covered walkway all the way up to the lodge. And here's the best part... I found out today our next door neighbour has cable. And by tomorrow, so will we. Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com